I've Never
by Blindy
Summary: Boredom reigns over the Bebop once again. The only thing that can save them? A bottle of tequila and some rather strategicaly worded questions.


Disclaimer: I do not own Cowboy Bebop – yet more proof that the world is unjust.

**I've Never**

"I'm bored."

The two words echoed throughout the Bebop. The speaker was lying on the yellow couch, eyes closed, mop of dark hair enveloping half the armrest.

A click clack of heels announced the arrival of yet another crew member. Faye Valentine sat at the end of the couch, resting an elbow on her knee and her cheek on her hand. "Join the club."

"I'm _really_ bored." Spike sighed, his hand tightening over an empty pack of cigarettes.

Faye leaned her head onto the back of the couch and laid her arm on the sofa, careful not to touch Spike's feet. "Where's Jet?"

Spike shrugged. "He's around somewhere." He opened his eyes and looked at Faye. Their eyes met and they both nodded simultaneously.

"_Jet_!"

Both of their voices rang out at once to form a loud, screeching word that bounced back and forth off of the walls of the Bebop until it reached the intended recipient's ears.

Grumbling, Jet came stalking into the room, apron on, bonsai clippers in hand. "What?" he asked, irritated.

Faye closed her eyes. "We're bored."

"Well, that's your problem," Jet said indignantly. "I'm busy."

Faye sighed and reached into her pocket to pull out a pack of squashed cigarettes. "Fine. I'll just find my fun elsewhere." Fumblng, she dropped the pack onto the floor. "Fuck," she sighed, reaching down to pick them up without looking. Her hand searched around on the floor and wandered under the couch. Still nothing. She reached under a little further and...

"Hey," she said in a surprised voice, causing the retreating Jet to turn back and Spike to open one eye.

"What?"

Faye's eyes widened and she brought her hand up off of the floor. In it was the neck of a very large, very unopened bottle of tequila.

The three of them stared at it in silence for a moment.

"Where did _that_ come from?" Spike was the first to break the silence.

Faye shrugged, eyes as big as saucers.

"What was that doing under the couch?" Jet asked, bonsai clippers dangling from his hand.

Faye recovered from her surprise and smirked. "Well, I don't know, but you know what they say – finders, keepers!"

"Didn't your mommy ever teach you to share, Faye?" Spike asked lazily.

Jet's expression hardened. "It's my ship. So it's mine."

"You know," Faye said, ignoring Jet, "if we're all so bored, this little bottle could be put to some use."

Spike sat up, interested. "Oh yeah? How?"

"Well, we could play a game."

Jet eyed her suspiciously. "What _kind_ of a game? Like a drinking game?"

Faye scoffed at him. "Well, what, you think I was going to use this as a chess piece?" she asked, gesturing at the bottle in her hand. She set the bottle on the table in front of her. "How about...I've Never?"

Jet blinked and grimmaced. "Are you kidding me? That's teenage stuff. I have better things to do with my time." He paused before continuing. "Now, give me that bottle! It's mine!" He made a grab for the tequila.

Faye deftly stood and swooped out of his reach. "Tsk, tsk, tsk, Jet. You want to drink, you have to follow the rules. But then again, I could probably beat both of your asses at a drinking game."

"Don't forget, Faye," Spike stated, "I've Never doesn't involve magnetic dice, and I highly doubt that sleeping with the bottle would increase your chances of winning."

Faye snorted. "I refuse to respond to such a sorry-ass remark." She waved the bottle in front of them. "I say we play. Either that or I'm drinking it by myself."

Spike grumbled and looked at Jet, who shrugged.

"Fine," Spike sighed, standing up and stretching his lean frame. "I'll get the shot glasses."

Jet called after him as he left the room. "Get some lemons and salt, too. No use wasting good stuff like this by drinking it without."

Faye, obviously pleased with herself, leaned down to pick up her pack of cigarettes. She took one of the slim sticks out of the pack and lit it, drawing in a deep breath before letting the smoke out. "Lady Luck strikes once again," she sighed, airily.

"Only to be smashed by the greedy tendancies of one sadistic shrew," Spike said as he stepped back into the room, three shotglasses in hand. His other hand held a salt shaker and three lemons.

Placing them on the table, he sat down next to Faye as Jet took a seat across from them in one of the old, tattered chairs. "Let's just get this over with," he grumbled, lighting up a cigarette.

"Are we all familiar with the rules of the game?" Faye asked. Two raised eyebrows was all she got in return. She shrugged. "Just making sure you lunkheads know what's going on." She poured a shot of tequila into each glass. "So...who gets to start? Spike? Jet?"

Spike raised his hand. "Me." He thought for a moment before speaking, "I've never...cheated my way through anything."

Faye raised the glass to her lips. "Ha, ha. Very funny, Speigel." Dabbing salt onto her free hand, she licked it off, downed her shot and grabbed a lemon slice, sucking away at it. She repressed a shudder. Tequila wasn't really her drink of choice, but then again, it was free.

Jet went next. "I've never...eaten out of Ein's bowl."

Both Spike and Faye rolled their eyes and took their shots. Jet smirked. "It always catches up with you, doesn't it?"

"Let's just play the game, Jet," Faye said grumpily. "I've never cried...over a plant."

Jet grumbled, stuffed his bonsai clippers under the couch and raised his glass to his lips. To Faye's surprise, so did Spike. "Are you serious?" she asked him, a wild smirk stretching across her face.

Spike shrugged. "It was a ten million wulong plant and I was drunk. Who wouldn't?" He threw his head back and swallowed.

Faye looked at Spike in distaste and said, "Your turn."

Spike sat back and rubbed his hands together. "I've never...kissed Ed.," he said, looking directly at Faye.

"That was _so_ below the belt," Faye grumbled before she downed her shot.

Jet raised an eyebrow. "You know, Faye, that's illegal in some places."

"It wasn't a kiss, alright?" she snarled at him. "It was just a wake-up call."

"Some wake up call," Spike said with a smirk.

"My turn," Faye growled, effectively changing the subject. "I've never...engaged in homosexual relations."

The two men blinked at her, scowling. They didn't move. She smiled nervously. "Well, it's nice to know where everyone stands."

Jet rolled his eyes. "I've never...been called a whore."

His eyes roamed over toward Faye, who shrugged and shook her head, a content smirk on her face. Spike, on the other hand, grabbed his drink and downed it.

"What?!" Jet exclaimed. "What are you playing at?!" He jabbed a finger at Faye. "And _you_! How have_ you_ never been called a whore?!"

Faye smiled. "Well, the crowd I run with usually goes with 'ho' or 'slut'."

Spike, on the other hand, held back a shudder at the alcohol's sharp taste and shrugged. "I was drunk and in the wrong neighborhood..."

Jet coughed and raised an eyebrow, sensing more to the story.

"And naked," Spike finished, looking down at the floor.

Faye laughed. "What do you consider the wrong neighboorhood and why were you naked there?"

"None of your business." He glared at her. "Whore."

Faye licked her lips like a lion about to pounce on a very tasty piece of prey. "Got any cigarettes, cowboy?" she asked coyly.

Spike pointed at the crumpled pack on the table with a blank look.

Faye bit her lower lip as if trying to hold back a laugh. "Well, I'll give you one if you tell us the story." She sat back and waited for her prey to take the bait.

Spike teetered on the edge of uncertainty for a moment. Faye, meanwhile, lit up a cigarette and took a long drag, exhaling flamboiantly into the closed atmosphere of the Bebop. She closed her eyes, and savoured the moment.

"Fine." Spike leaned forward and tried to snatch the pack out of her grasp.

Faye pulled her hand away. "My, my, greedy, aren't we?" She leaned back. "Tell first. Then you get the smoke."

Spike sighed, appearing exasperated. "Fine. I got drunk in a bar, wandered downtown, took a wrong turn and decided to go to a strip club. I did _not_ expect strippers to be sporting extremely large banana-hammocks and decided to leave. I ran into an extremely tall...thing's ass...and it got mad, ripped my clothes off, called me a whore and threw me into the street." He sat back, cheeks a little rosier than usual. "Happy?"

Faye giggled while Jet sat, open mouthed.

"Nice story, cowboy." She pulled a cigarette from the pack and tossed it at him.

"Whatever," Spike grunted.

Jet' jawline hardened. "I knew there was something you weren't telling me! I knew there was a reason everyone was looking at me so funny when I carried you onto the ship! That's the last time I pick you up naked from the streets! Next time, you're on your own!" He pouted for a minute.

Spike shrugged. "It's my turn." He paused for moment, thinking. "I've never eaten more than five cups of noodles at once."

To everyone's surprise, Faye smiled nervously and downed her shot. As she was sucking on the lemon, she did her best not to look at anyone.

"So that's why we're out of food," Jet grumbled.

Faye coughed and cleared her throat. "I've never broken into Jet's secret food stash." She raised an eyebrow at Spike, whose ego seemed to deflate as he picked up his glass and took a gulp.

"Doesn't anyone on board respect my privacy?!" Jet bellowed out to the world. He sighed as he realized that neither of them were paying attention to him – they both had their sights fixed on each other, and he could have sworn that each of them was giving a low growl.

"Okay...my turn!" Jet exclaimed nervously. "I've never...had sex in my MONO ship." He paused as he saw them both looking at him strangely.

"Oh."

Both Spike and Faye threw their heads back, and as they lowered their glasses, Faye hiccuped and tossed Spike a cigarette.

"You guys get action in your ships?"

Spike shook his head. "Your ship."

"Yup."

Jet froze? "What?"

"Yeah, Jet, you know that stain just above the left armrest? Well, I can probably tell you how to get it out - "

"Enough! Geez!" Jet held a hand up for them to stop and shuddered. "Too much information, guys!" His expression hardened. "And anyway, what were you doing taking strangers onto _my_ ship?!"

Both Spike and Faye averted their eyes. "Well...she wasn't exactly a stranger," Spike started in a low, embarrased tone. Faye nodded and blushed.

"What – oh." Jet smirked. "Oh, so _that's _what was going on. Hm." He leaned back and smiled maliciously. "So you two were..." He chuckled.

"My turn," Faye said desperately. "I've never...known my own birthday."

Spike shook his head. "What a cheap shot," he said as he picked up his glass. Jet nodded in agreeance and followed suit.

Spike shuddered a little this time. The taste of the alcohol was really starting to get to him. "I've never...been attracted to anyone on this ship." He looked around sheepishly, hoping that no one would see the hole in his statement – after all, he _had _done it with Faye in Jet's ship.

Everyone was a little too tipsy by now to really notice, and next thing they knew, Jet was lifting the glass to his lips.

As he noticed everyone staring intently at him, he stopped. "What?" he asked, irritated.

"Exactly _who_ is it that you're attracted to on this ship?" Faye asked sweetly.

"Well..." Jet fumbled around for the words. "You know...uh...there's...well..." He paused and lowered the glass from his lips. "Well, there's not really a good answer for this one, is there?" he asked angrily and drank the shot quickly.

Faye and Spike looked at each other and smirked.

Jet recovered quickly. "Well...I've never fallen for a bounty."

"Son of a..." Spike downed his shot and poured another. 

Faye smirked. This was more fun than she'd thought it had been.

An hour later, the three were more than drunk and they were having a lot of trouble keeping up with the game – and each other.

"My turn," Faye slurred, bottle in hand. "I've never been in the tampon aisle for more than three hours." She hiccuped and slouched back onto the couch, giggling uncontrolably as Spike downed his drink yet again.

Spike coughed and fished another cigarette out of the pack on the table. He lit it up and blew a stream of smoke up toward the ceiling. "Blue."

"Huh?" Jet hiccupped.

"It's blue."

"What's blue?" asked Faye as she stretched lazily across the couch.

"Smoke. It's blue." Spike reached up in the air and ran his fingers through the smoke. "Or purple."

"I've never eaten a marshmallow," Jet blurted out, lifting his glass and throwing back the shot. He set the glass on the table. "Was I supposed to drink?" he asked no one in particular.

"Have you ever eaten a marshy-mallowey?" Faye asked with another hiccup.

Jet shrugged. "What's a marshmallow?"

Spike, still staring at the smoke, responded. "I think it's someone from Mars. Wow. That means I'm a Marshmallow."

"S'mores," Faye mumbled, eyes closed.

"Huh?" Jet asked as he poured another shot.

"I don't know. It sounds like something to do with marshmallows." She bit her lip in thought. "Wait, aren't people from Mars called Martians?"

"Nope. Marshmallows." Spike yawned and plucked the bottle from Faye's hand. "I should know. I _was_ born there, you know."

Silence reigned the room for a minute.

Wow. It was _really_ quiet.

Faye cracked an eye open gave a soft snort at the scene that lay before her. Spike's eyes were closed and he was snoring slightly. Jet's head was tilted back and his mouth was open, a little trail of drool making its way down his chin.

She smirked and stood. As she did so, her foot tapped lightly against something on the floor with a clinking sound. Bending over she picked up a bottle filled with clear liquid. Opening it, she took a swig and smiled.

"Best spring water around," she sighed lightly. Reaching over, she took the other bottle from its resting place in Spike's lap. It was still a quarter full. She gave a triumphant smile.

"No use leaving this to be wasted by them..."

She walked to her room, both bottles in hand.

"I've never been out-drunk."


End file.
